For most of us who have an addiction we fail to understand the nature of the disease, until we get sober and have stayed that way for a decent period of time. Even then we allow ourselves to think that this time will be different, I won’t drink alone, or I will only drink on Friday’s, the list is endless of ways we think it will be different.
While we may arrest the disease, as long as we do not pick up the bottle again, it’s still inside of us. Thinking about ways you can drink can be fatal not only to use but to those around us. For me, after having the best treatment money could buy, which IMO is Hazelden in MN, and then going in and out of at least 10 other rehabs, I can tell you that it’s the person inside of you who will get you sober, and it’s the person inside of you who will get you drunk. Getting sober is the easy part, after all you check into a rehab, get detoxified and then you are taught about your disease or your addiction. It’s living sober that is hard, when you can see your friends and family living good lives, and then you try to compare your’s to their’s . Comparing is one thing we drunks do very well,after all when we first went into a hospital or a AA meeting we looked around and listened to other people talk and said hey I am not a drunk, I am no where close to being as bad as this person. Of course we all forget to add the yet at the end of that sentence.
A little background on me; I had all the good things in life, wife, 2 kids, money, great family, cars, boat, atv the list is endless. However I still drank. Now When I first went into the meetings, I compared myself to those around me, and I to said I can’t be a alcoholic because I have all of these things. So on the outside I looked great. However if one could look on the inside, which at the time I could not, they would have seen nothing, since I was empty on the inside. I will start with my now ex-wife, super nice person, I could of course say bad things about her, however most would not be true. Has she done some bad things? Sure we all have, however she never did anything really bad to me. Bottom line is we were dating, “we” got pregnant, notice the “we” since it takes two, then We got married. Which was a mistake, for starters I was drinking, which means I had no idea about my emotions or how I even felt about me. However to be fair she tried to make it work, and we do have two wonderful Children. She is now remarried and I hope happy. My point is that when we are drinking, not only are we selfish, we really have no idea who we are on the inside. I was not capable of loving someone else outside of my blood, since I did not love myself. However since the right thing to do was to get married I asked her to marry me. Why she said yes is to this day beyond me. So on the outside, to those looking in, I had it all.
Soul searching
Once I got sober and stayed that way by the Grace of God, I could and did look back on what drove me to be the way I was. Simple answer is fear. I was afraid to fail, so I only did the easy stuff. I can look back now, on my actions before I was married, and name a long list of things I did not do or only partially did because I was afraid to fail. I am to this day a natural people person, however I still stub my toe, most times on purpose because I still have that fear inside me. I wil go out and have a great time with someone, then towards the end of the night say something out of wack, to bother the person. This way I have an out, so I still sabotage myself,however since I know about why I do things it is easier to correct and act on those things. Plus I don’t drink over them! I can now pick up the phone and explain to that person that my comment was made out of fear or my action was made out of fear. Now do I always do this? No! Sometimes fear is a good thing. Prime example, a few weeks ago I meet a super nice lady, however she was dealing with some mental issues, not major and she was/is close to being healthy. Long story short, I felt that fear sneak up on me, this time my fear was not for me, but for her. Since She is human, and in the healing process (nothing to do with addictions) I was afraid that by hanging out with me or becoming my girlfriend, that I would damage her. So I spoke to her about it, and it turns out while she was afraid to be alone and did like me, she needed to continue to heal herself. Getting involved with anyone at the time would not help her, but would only set her back.
So you can see how fear is good and bad. As long as you can see it for what it is, there is no reason to drink over it. To be honest there is nothing that anyone can say or do to me that would make me drink today. The only person in charge of my drinking is me. Same can be said for you if your willing to surrender your fears. Disregard that last comment if your not a drunk 
Be all means drink a few for me
If you feel you have a drinking problem or are addicted to drugs by all means send me an email, visit some other sites or call your local AA number to find a meeting. Remember not everyone gets and stays sober the same way. If something is not working for you, it’s ok to try something else, but with any program make sure you are being true to yourself by giving it all you can
Patrick Budowski
Maryland
